Meandering

There was a fire somewhere last night. The smell of smoke was thick in the air and when I opened the windows to check the fire was outside and not burning away somewhere else in the house, the street was clouded. The acrid taste made me feel queasy and I searched online to find out what was burning. For some reason, I wanted to know and was frustrated to not find anything. In a world where a news story from across the globe can reach you in a matter of minutes, it is still a reminder that there are some things we can’t instantly know just by searching.

I tried to sleep but I was deeply unsettled. Life stuff was fogging my head just like the smoke in the street and the more I tried to relax and clear the thoughts, the thicker they came.

It was the not knowing of it all that bothered me. I hate not knowing.

It is the morning now and the smoke has cleared, though the reek lingers on the cool damp air. After an unsettled night, I always struggle to get my thoughts ordered the next day. I am meant to be feeling ready for the new week, marking books, making plans, checking numbers, cleaning rooms. Instead, I am hiding in my office until Austin wakes up from his nap. And now I am here, I don’t even feel like doing the fun stuff: bullet journalling, Project Life, sewing. So I am writing. Does this count as Writing Happy? I am not so sure. My 100-day project stalled the day that happiness seemed like a backburner kind of a deal. I probably need it more than ever, though. Focus on the good. Look for the silver lining. Put on a brave face.

My brave face is woeful.

On Friday, I humiliated myself at work because my brave face was so weak. I know that I am meant to be the adult in the room, protect the kids from your own stress but I was worn down and worn out. Silver lining? A reminder that there are some LOVELY kids. A reminder of the fantastically supportive colleagues. Those feelings of inadequacy need to be pushed down to a place with no sunlight so they wither away. I need to not be too tired to keep pushing.

So what now? I think the first thing to do it write a proper to-do list of all the things I HAVE to do and a list of the things I want to do and try to do a few from each list. I need to change my morning routine because at the moment it is sapping my energy and positivity, leaving me feeling like an empty husk. I need a plan:

Exercise. I hate to admit it but it does make a huge difference. I am going to get out on the cross trainer right now.

Organise. I am going to get my bullet journal and make an achievable list of goals for today and write everything else on my May Goals page. At the moment, I am putting way too much on there and it’s not feasible. I am setting myself up to fail which seems pretty dumb.

Embrace. I am going to embrace all the parts of my day and focus on gratitude: I have so much to be thankful for.

 

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